The meaning of forever
by krizue
Summary: Such an angel, a perfect being deserved eternity in paradise, he couldn’t change her; vampires were soulless creatures who have no place in heaven. Edward reflecting on changing Bella; it deals with his insecurities and his struggle between right vs wrong


**Fragments: ****Midnight Sun: Chapter 2 "open book" chapter 5 "invitations"**

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Edward tried to remember a moment like the one he was having, but nothing was close enough, happiness ,meant Bella, and Bella meant excitement, and excitement meant joy, and joy was her, and Bella was beauty, and beauty meant peace, his peace was with her, and she was hope, and hope meant future, and Bella was his future, and future meant promise, family, She was his family now, his companion, and having a partner meant no solitude, and companionship meant happiness. She was his everything, he lived and breathed (figuratively) for her, she was giving him a reason for his existence, and in this light he couldn't help feeling like a greedy selfish monster.

The angel that was currently sleeping in his arms sighed putting a smile in his hard cold lips, how could he be with her, he didn't deserved it, he was nothing but a cold blooded killer with nothing to offer but a soulless dark eternity, he couldn´t understand why she wanted such damnation, a part of him wanted to welcome it, having her by his side forever, so very tempting, that would make him happy and he felt such a big guilt over this desire, how could he rob her like that? How could he take such light from the world? That would cause apocalypse for sure, and this guilt was summed to his immeasurable adoration for her, he wanted Bella to remain pure and innocent, with her gorgeous soul untouched.

_For every piece of me that wants you, _

_Another piece backs away. _

The "selfish" side of himself embraced Alice's visions, _his_ Bella pale as himself, strong and unbreakable, for this would mean he wouldn´t have to be always careful, denying his nature, his craving, all of his cravings, because she awakened his human instincts, he craved her blood as much as her body; he wanted to kiss her, to be able to hold her, to really embrace her, to feel the softness and warmth of her skin against his , but that wasn't possible, not his manners, his upbringings or his deathly nature allowed such a dream. And it killed him not being able to satisfy both hers and his desires, because they wanted each other like any other couple, a teenager couple – he had to chuckle at this, he was far from normal, but she made him feel alive, with needs and feelings that were subdued for so long that were now overwhelming and his practiced self control barely allowed him to keep them hidden, scraping the surface- and like any other couple they wanted to touch, to discover, to learn and enjoy.

He always noticed, even when she tried to hide it, her grimace, how the light in her eyes sparkled a little less, every time Jessica spoke of one of her escapades with her boyfriend, nothing mayor, but she related her kisses with too much details, and it pained him to think that all he could offer were careful, chaste peeks on the lips, sometimes, really rare times, a little more.

And like every time he watched her sleep, he was torn between the pure bliss and the torment, his mind replayed their conversations, every '_I love you'_ spoken, every smile, every touch, and incredulous every time he had to convince her about her worth, just like that same afternoon at _their_ meadow; she DESERVED his love, it was him who was too little for her; and that was a thing that always eluded his reasoning, how could she not understand, he just couldn´t wrap his mind over the fact she thought so poorly of herself; it was the only thing he disliked of _his_ _angel_.

Edward imagined Bella running by his side, holding his hand, their skin equal in temperature, no longer he had to put layers of fabric between their bodies, they could lie side by side. And he wouldn't have to be worrying about her welfare, he knew he always would, but not in such a pressing way.

He wouldn't have to leave her to hunt, they could do it together, and how would she look like? He was like a mountain lion, Emmet like a bear; and Bella?? He reminded his brother's thoughts while they watched their spouses hunt - and cringed at Emmet's- they thought the girls looked sexy, their will given to their basic instincts, in particularly Emmett compared Rosalie's movements with those she made in bed –just for putting it mildly, and in a tasteful vocabulary, because they never quite reached the bed…-

And Edward wondered…. He shook his head, if only she could hear his thoughts she would know his self control wasn't so controlled after all, and if only his favorite brother could, he would mock him for eternity. He continued with his musings, and imagined them in their meadow, their skin glowing. He could finally hold her; touch her without restriction, getting lost in her smoldering golden eyes, and to read her mind… oh! If her brain worked like his, he would be able to read her thoughts.

It made him sad though, knowing they were meant to be together, just as he knew neither of them could survive without the other, because he didn't want to put such a curse over her, she couldn't be a vampire like him; yet he knew she was his mate, an Alice to Jasper, an Esme to Carlisle, an Emmet to Rosalie, their missing pieces, the part of their whole. So there was no hope then?, Alice kept seeing his love with crimson eyes and a huge smile adorning her face, she was going to become a damned being like him and be happy? It was confusing, how could she feel joy in that condition? Giving up her life for him, surely she would hate him after changing; but no, that wasn't going to happen because she wasn't going to be changed, not if it was in his power, because she would always remain human, beautiful and radiant, he chastised himself for thinking about it for a moment, that was unthinkable.

Her 18th birthday party and the following disaster, reminded him that their relationship meant danger. And in a misguided and stupid attempt to protect Bella, he convinced her that his love wasn't real –the hugest mistake of his very long live- and in made both heartbroken and depressed. So separation wasn't the answer.

He was a lowlife, good for nothing worth the perfection lying in his arms, a soulless killer, and a monster. HE _couldn't_ understand why she was with him, after many months, he was still waiting for the screaming and running, and he wouldn't blame her, he couldn't judge her, he was just going to enjoy her every breath until the arrival of said moment.

But then again he knew they were linked, and it scared him, his over rational brain wondered how could they survive her aging, it hurt her, therefore hurt him, it was simple, to change her, but he couldn't do it, not even with the impending due date, a vote was cast; and she was going to spend eternity with him –his chest swelled at the thought- but he was going to buy time somehow.

If it was decided he was going to make sure she wasn't going to regret it, she was going to enjoy every human experience possible.

He remembered the first time he saw her sleeping from the rocking chair, thinking, and re thinking the reason why the girl had such an effect on him, and he realized… he loved her.

"_Edward" she said._

_I froze, staring at her unopened eyes._

_Had she woken, caught me here? She looked _asleep, _yet her voice had been so clear…_

_She sighed, a quiet sigh, and then moved restlessly again, rolling to her side –still fast asleep and dreaming._

"_Edward" she mumbled softly_

_She was dreaming of me_

_Could a dead, frozen heat beat again? It felt like mine was about to._

"_Stay" she sighed. "don't go, please don't go"_

_She was dreaming of me, and it wasn't even a nightmare. She wanted me to stay with her, there in her dream._

_I struggled to find words to name the feelings that flooded through me, but I had no words strong enough to hold them, for a moment, I drowned in them._

_When I surfaced I was not the same man I had been._

_My life was an unending, unchanging midnight. It must, by necessity always by midnight for me. So how was it possible that the sun was raising now, in the middle of my midnight?...._

…_. I would always love this fragile human girl, for the rest of my limitless existence._

The burn on his throat was painful, and his mouth was full of venom, Bella snuggled against his chest, and while having her pressed against him felt nice, wonderful, exhilarating, he had to suppress the urgency to turn his head a little, move her hair to the side and bite her, he remembered the sweet taste of her blood, better than anything he ever tasted, practically able to quench his thirst, that burn he learned to live with decades ago.

Why he had to live like this? He could easily kill her, she was so trustful, sleeping in this monster's arms, he could satisfy his instincts, no one would ever know what happened, she would be dead before even noticing it, he could be merciful with her, then he would hide the body, and appear in the morning in his car ready to pick her up, only to find Charlie in the door waiting, wondering if his daughter was with him, after realizing Bella was missing they would grieve, dejecting any suspicions from him.

He took an unnecessary breath to wake up from his musings and shuddered tasting her mouthwatering aroma, hating the influx of venom. He immersed in a huge pool of self hatred for having this kind of thoughts, she was an angel, and he was planning her death.

Yet again he wondered why she was with him, and he imagined her smile, her sweet and provocative blush, her laugh, and her cute clumsiness. How she enjoyed being with his family, and with a shot of pride he remembered how her face shone every time she saw him.

_'Cause you give me something, _

_That makes me scared alright, _

_This could be nothing, _

_But I'm willing to give it a try.._

And he asked himself again why he had to live like this, if he met her wish, everything would be perfect, granted, he wouldn't be able to watch her sleep, or her blush, but they could spend their nights together, and he could give her what she wanted, what _he_ wanted, but he couldn't let his mind wonder there, off course it was harmless compared to the killing thoughts, but he was a gentleman, and she a lady, so those impure thoughts had to remain _hidden_, because there was no point in denying _their existence_.

He remembered how she entered his life, she was a simple girl, sure she looked nice enough for a human, really nice, nicer than Rosalie in her human days, but there was nothing particularly attracting about her, except by her captivating eyes; but he was curious, really curious, why did this girl had such a powerful effect on him, and why he couldn't hear her thoughts?? She was just another seventeen-year-old girl, but she was more than that, soon he learned that Isabella Swan, moved from her mother's home to live with her father in her birth town, leaving behind things she loved, coming to an environment she clearly disliked.

"_She stayed with me at first, but she missed him" she explained slowly, her tone wronging more forlorn with each word. "It made her unhappy… so I decided it was time to spend sometime with Charlie"_

_The tiny pucker between her eyes deepened _

"_But now you are unhappy" I murmured. I couldn't seem to stop speaking my hypothesis aloud, hoping to learn form her reactions._

"_And?" she said, as If this was not even an aspect to be considered._

_I continued to stare in to her eyes, __feeling that I'd finally gotten my first real glimpse in her soul. I saw in one word where she ranked herself among her own priorities. Unlike most humans, her own needs were far down the list._

_She was selfless._

He had never, in his hundred and something years of life, seen such an selfless person, specially a young unselfish person, that deserved at least his respect, he came to know that she wasn't another whinny annoying girl, living of gossips, and never ending, weekly changing infatuations, she was serious, she had an old soul.

Then he noticed she was far from average from every angle, she was stunning; he loved everything about her, her pale skin, her gorgeous long, straight, dark brown hair and the chocolate brown expressive eyes.

_I recognized the fascination growing inside me, even as I tried to root it out. I could not afford to fin Bella Swan interesting. Or rather _she_ could not afford that. Already I was anxious for another chance to talk to her. I wanted to know more about her._

Her prominent cheekbones, thin nose and narrow jaw. Her full lips that she argued were out of proportion but he adored. Her five foot four inches that made her perfect for his height, her slender and healthy figure. And he enjoyed looking at her stubby fingernails and her nervous habit of biting them. No perfect manicure, no perfect make up, she was more than that, like she needed any of those.

And above all her physical perfection, he was stunned with her personality, she was understanding, and caring, shy, and incredible intelligent, she was serious, and had a dry sense of humor that matched his perfectly, her lovely clumsiness, and her huge stubbornness. Although annoying sometimes, was part of her bravery, and her determined attitude, that was after all the reason they were together. The sweet girl that didn't take a _no _for answer, and discovered everything about him, until he couldn't hide his nature.

He trailed his finger over the small crescent-shaped scar on her hand, the one where she was bitten by the sadistic James – he still blamed himself, she was hurt and he didn't stop it – It was pale, paler that her fair skin, and it was always a few degrees colder than the rest of her body and shined in the sunlight just like his skin.-

Such an angel, a perfect being deserved eternity in paradise, he couldn't change her; the sole fact that made him reluctant to change Bella was his believe that vampires were soulless creatures who have no place in heaven. Because he wanted – _needed- _her with him.

Even when Edward and his family hunted only animals and not humans as a moralistic choice, the monster within was always there, it never disappeared and he was constantly warning Bella against being with him, because her life was at risk if everyday she continued to associate with him. But Bella's love and confidence caused those warnings go unheeded, fact that unnerved him.

He didn't believe in his goodness, in his soul, he wanted her, he wanted her to live, to have everything she deserved, a family, a college experience, he wanted her to have a good fast car, to buy her presents, he wished everything for her; but foremost he worshiped this girl and truth to be told there was nothing he could deny her, even if it meant to deny his most important and big instinct, protect her, because in order to become one of them, she had to die, what she asked, it didn´t matter how hard it was, he would provide.

_All of the things we want each other to be _

_We never will be _

_And that's wonderful_

_And that's life _

_And that's you baby _

_This is me baby _

_And we are_

_We are_

_We are free in our love_

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**A little reflection on Edward's POV**

**The little parts of songs belong to James Morrison and Nelly Furtado…. I just thought they fitted perfectly.**

**Please REVIEW, and in advance, excuse me for the grammar mistakes, English is not my first language, and it's a bit rusty**

**And off course, Stephenie owns the characters….**


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